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Innocent When You Dream

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yes im still around more or less. Aug. 14th, 2011 @ 03:04 am
I miss it here. i miss the live journal days. those days when you could go on emo or philosophical rants on the internet and only worry about the opinions and interpretations of few close friends or random strangers. now a days you post a sad face in your status updates and you have half the world and your extended family reading into it like you are an episode of lost.

what i miss about the live journal days was control over your own identity. I could talk about love, I could talk about sex, I could complain about my job to a few close friends, and not have to worry about my aunt\mother\ex girl friend\casual work acquaintance\girl i did 1 show with 5 years ago\grand mother in-law\10 year old cousin\professor\ reading it and wondering whats wrong. i don't even feel comfortable swearing on the thing as my little cousins can read it. yes yes yes, i know all about limited profile, but even that is its own kettle of fish.

I know i can still write here, but most of the people i would want to read it have moved on. not everyone, i know a few of you poke your head in now and then.

I have been away from home for almost 4 years now. I want to be able to open up to those people again. heck i want to be able to open up period. i have some friends here, but either I work with them, or we just don't have that kind of heart to heart relationship.

I am married, and yes i can talk to my wife, but there is only so much emotional responsibility you can put on one person, especially when you are trying to build a life together. we all need friends, no matter how open you are with each other.

most of my friends back home seem to be going through a bit of a rough patch, and there is nothing i can do about it. i can talk to them on he phone now and then, but that never seems like it is enough. i want to be able to make things better for people...im good at that sometimes. i need to help people, i want to help people, my job is to help emerging artists make their art happen as stressless as possible. if i can turn a room full of panicked actors and directors, into a calm, productive and happy tech rehearsal, why can't i help the people i love the most?

I'm bad at keeping in touch as well. I work, i sleep, I distract myself with needless things,I work some more. and when im not working, seeing as im freelance, i spend the rest of the time trying to find work. i end up sleeping in when im not pulling 14 hour work days, and miss my only chance to talk to 1 of my 3 best friends, on the other side of the world. im so disorganized i don't keep up with correspondences. i feel like the worlds worst friend. i worry im going to lose my friends for the same reason i fucked up school. im very good in person. but suck at getting my home work done on time.

anyway. im ok for the most part. it is just a lonely week. Jenny is away, teaching at a choir camp, both of my partners at the theatre are gone on vacation, and i don't have any work lined up til the 22nd. this on top of some sad news from some friends, just has me feeling a little write-a-blog-ish.

cheers from halifax,
Current Mood: lonelylonely

Mar. 11th, 2011 @ 12:09 pm
be safe Amanda.

how are you? Oct. 24th, 2010 @ 02:13 pm
there is something wrong about watching the sunrise twice in one work day. 4 hour call my ass. all in all it wasn't a bad work day, just a long one, with a lot of lugging trusses and really heavy risers by hand and a lot of road cases. either way, the day after i still feel beat.

the time wasn't as bad as it sounds. 7 hour call starting at 6am and then another 6 hours starting at 11pm. things would have gone faster, but the event started late, and we where pretty much sitting around waiting to work until about 12:30. plus wading thru the crowds of drunk UFC fans and the debris they left behind wasn't all to pleasant. but i got paid union rates so all in all a profitable if not tiring day.


figured rather than write some return to LJ epic journal, I will just take it slow and talk about my day. im trying to make it a habit of writing here regularly again.

so quick and dirty update on the last few months in chronological order
-left Montreal for a while
-went back home and worked on a bunch of theatre shows,
-worked on Republic of Doyle as a 3rd electric (and a few days as an extra.
-got married!!!!!!!!! [1]
-went back to Montreal
-packed up apartment and shipped it all to her folks house in Berwick NS
-stayed there a week or so
-moved into our new place in Halifax
-I got offered a contract back in newfoundland
-went home for half a month to build a set for a production of West Side Story
-on the same day:
-My mother almost died, and had to have emergency surgery on her colon.
-my friends who i love dearly lost there cat who i also loved dearly.
-mom came thru the operation and is getting better every day.
-went back to Halifax
-found work, I have been taking calls from both IATSE (the stage techs union) Neptune, and various other theatres,
-Found an awesome juggling club, and started passing again.
- which brings us to now, where i just worked the install for a mixed martial arts tournament, and next week I have been hired on as a stage carpenter for the Wizard of Oz at Neptune.

[1]   http://black-waltz-13.livejournal.com/2007/06/25/ yes, the same girl i was giddy about back in 2007

Oct. 22nd, 2010 @ 12:44 am
Fuhrer Bradley is the re animated corpse of Fritz Lang from an alternate dimension?????!!!!!! best random plot point in an anime EVER!!!!!!!

Jun. 12th, 2010 @ 03:54 am
So today I tried pottery for the first time. Maaike supervises the open studio time at the craft council, so I figured I would drop down, hang out and try my hand at the wheel. My first try kind of `sploded in a muddy watery mess, but my second attempt came out rather nice. Once I figured out how to center the clay, I was set, and under Maaike’s tutelage I crafted a bowl\big mug. Then I decided to put a handle on it, which I found kind of looked like a tail, so I turned my mug into a godzilla-like seacreature. This nautical theme continued when I tried out the press, and the big wheel you control it with made me feel like a sea captain, so I decided to make a pirate plate, with a skull and crossbones in the center and waves along the edges. All in all a fun evening. Im kind of hooked, I think Im going to try to make this a Friday or every other Friday tradition.

Being back in the city is kind of surreal. I feel a little like a ghost. I don’t really recognize the downtown faces anymore, and I guess I look different enough, and I have been away long enough, that people don’t really recognize me either. I kind of like this sometimes, and other times not so much. Trying to find where I fit in again is going to be an interesting summer journey.

I look forward to reconnecting with people. It has been a long two years. I guess it has been less than that as I was home last summer, but somehow that feels like it was a lifetime ago. I think I'm a very different person than I was then, and even more so than I was when I first left home. Montreal did a bit of a number on me, and I see this trip home as a bit of a recharge for the soul before I move on again. Get my bearings before I set a new course. “Safest place for ships is harbor, but that’s not what ships are built for.”

God I miss Jenny. can’t wait to see her again. It is going to be a long two months:(. However, it will be a long two months with a wedding at the end :).


Apr. 23rd, 2010 @ 03:42 pm
So I'm doing Light, Sound, and some prop\creature effect design for a small show at the Players theatre in Montreal. It opened last night. The theatre is one of the 2 theatres at McGill [1]. Im really proud of the work I have done. Things really came together at the end, which is an accomplishment as tech wise I was pretty much flying solo. Editing all the sounds, hanging all the lights, making blood backs, angel of death wings, masks, also I was the only lighting crew along with operating both sound and light.

(begin tech rant)
As worried as I was about the lights, in the end i found a look that i would buy a drink. A little too front light heavy, but the space and time was limiting. It is a very greeny cold look, that makes the actors look sickly(which is what we where going for) without being over the top. I have to admit, the combination of my lighting and sound design makes the play rather Silent hill 2-ish. Im really proud of the sounds I created, especially since i was using a 10 dollar computer mic, and a um....perfectly legal copy of cubase, sitting in my apartment scratching forks against boxes, crushing crackers, and laughing, with reverb, pitch shift and modulation up the wazoo.

The space is so hard to work in lighting wise, and the stock hang was pretty much useless for our play. The “grid” has no pipes, so you can't use C clamps, just these weird sliding track things that are never in the place you need them, and you need to hold the lamp up above your head standing on top of a ladder that is too short, or sketchy scaffolding, as you try to screw in the pan bolt, and hope it meets its corresponding part. Also no gobo holders, so I had to remake my gobos to be over sized, so I could slide the entire thing into the lamp. All this combined with L shaped seating and low lamp stock, and myself being the only technician, and no room TD around to ask questions, made for a stressful install day.
(end Tech rant)

As proud as i am of the work, it makes me sad a little. Mainly that nobody i know will get to see it. Everyone i know from NTS is working, and pretty much everybody else i know is in Newfoundland. There where a bunch of pics taken during the dress, hopefully i can get a hold of some and post a few. I really want to get a picture of the wings for my portfolio. I didn't get paid for this one, but at least i got to make some pretty theatre. However i really have to stop doing the freebies, Especially at times when I don't have steady work. The time commitment is the same (sometimes more). You learn alot though, and sometimes it is really nice to learn, make mistakes, and fix them without people standing over your back. I think I learn much better this way....it is also alot cheaper.

In other news I have a bunch of paid work coming up at the Centaur Theatre soon. Some lighting and set installs. Also hopefully work at the fringe fest, if i can get in on that. Im aiming to come home for the summer some time mid to late June. I want to wait until after my interview, and after fringe fest.

So look at that 2 actual updates within a month!
[1] as a geek, i must say there is an element of glee that comes from working in a theatre located in a building called Shatner Hall...yes, after that Shatner.

get the fingers typing again, Feb. 3rd, 2010 @ 05:54 pm
SO I have become a huge fan of Avatar: The Last Airbender(not the James Cameron movie, but i hear thats really good too.) it has everything I loved about Samurai Jack, but with much better Story telling and a more concrete plot. plus it feels like a Miazaki film that you get to savour over a long period of time. I highly recommend checking it out if you haven't already. it is also just light enough to be refreshing during a long cold Montreal winter.

so I'm currently a bit addicted. anyway, figured i would write something trivial to get my fingers typing in here again. oh my so long neglected live journal.

so other than that, I haven't really posted here in a very long time. and well, ALOT has happened since then. so i think i may go get out of the house for a while, grab a cup of Jo, and sit and write a journal about well, my life over the past several months. it may not be done tonight, but who knows. may have to break it up into a few parts.

Nov. 6th, 2009 @ 01:19 am
SO I guess I didn't really follow through on my post a week plan now did I........sorry about that.

Hey there. Aug. 30th, 2009 @ 03:14 pm
SO Im back in the big city. the first week was hard. wasn't doing anything particularly stressfull, except for central project presentation, I was just a bit burnt out from the summer. it was a long busy summer, and I am returning to a long busy semester with the only break being the plane ride here. and that wasn't even a break as I had to work on a project.

I was pretty out of it all week. lack of sleep from packing and preparing for my presentation, barely seeing Jenny because of our schedules etc etc. however that all kind of turned around on Friday. We had a "safety meeting" which started out as what appeared to be a long tiresome but important lecture on regulations and legislature. I sensed something was up, and was right, as it turned out to be a "surprise! here is lots of Beer!" type of deal. it was quite fun. And I got to talk to Zach from my class for quite a bit, which helped alot. all and all that was the beginning of my much needed thaw.

yesterday had auto class in the mourning and afternoon, and then much needed quality time with Jenny in the evening. Im starting to feel more like myself again. nothing immediate to worry about, I can just enjoy my Day off, and sip a cappuccino in Cafe Noir, and approach next week head on.

I still feel like I need a Vacation, but I will just have to pace myself, find ways to keep sane, and just enjoy being in love, and being in a really cool city, and doing work I love(as stressful as it can be sometimes).

also I Am going to try to make a new school years resolution, and try to write here at least once a week. maybe a Sunday afternoon enjoyed with a cappuccino tradition. sound good?

From Montreal,
Current Location: Canada, Montreal
Current Mood: Better

Jun. 24th, 2009 @ 05:12 pm
So I have been home for a Week now. Walking into your bedroom after being away for a long time is kind of like walking into a museum devoted to yourself. Ti can be a rather Surreal experience. First there is the question of “how did I get so much Stuff?....Why did I have so Much Stuff?” living without your stuff helps you realize just how much you don't need or even want it.

It is also kind of like marking your height against a door. Something to look at to see how much you have grown, how much you have changed. A notch marked with a pencil and a ruler against a person you used to be.

Some times things you expect to be comforting, don't fit quite the way they used to. But this isn't a bad thing. In fact quite the opposite. I'm very excited to discover what this person is capable of. Like revisiting old levels with new powers in a video game, there is always cool bonus features to unlock with a super jump and rock breaking abilities.

Update from Montreal. Apr. 14th, 2009 @ 12:00 am
so I have decided, that even though I will probably be on my own, That I am going to go to the JAQ convention. Im so out of practice. I picked up my juggling balls for the first time in ages only to find that my physical skills have gone down the tube. even staff spinning is rather rough at the moment. the reason I decided to go was that I had a dream about it the other night, where I met a bunch of you from back home there and I was riding a tiny bicycle all over Montreal. it was quite the time. I think there where people with super powers and zombies thrown in there as well.

the only problem is money. I can only afford to go there one day(maybe not even that) and catch the show on Saturday. but I think going will be a good thing if anything to get me doing something physical and creative again. I miss juggling and circus alot. Im in Montreal but haven't juggled since the summer with wonderbolt. that's sad.

don't suppose anybody else is going to the convention?

in the mean time while IM at it, I might as well write an update.

so,me an jenny got our engagement Rings\wedding rings. I'm currently doing sound design for Henry the VIth. its coming along really well. I have really great working relationship with the director. our production has a foot in both worlds, as it is kind of modern, but also kind of period. my design uses period choral work, along with Apocolyptica and Rasputina. plus lots of soundscapes of battle and hellfire. come check it out if you are in the Montreal area, and are in the mood for 3 hours of Epic, Dark bloody vicious historical Shakespeare, with cello metal music.

We have a new futon!!! well sort of new. we got it off of the sidewalk, but it was only out for about an hour. and it smells clean, so all is well. YAY SIDEWALK FUTON! Montreal Sidewalk shopping is one of my favorite things. it is really comfy, and we have a cover for it that fits it perfectly. so if anyone wants to visit us in Montreal, you have a place to sleep!

speaking of wich, Adam comes to visit in a couple of weeks! we can't wait! its going to be awesome.

25 things Mar. 9th, 2009 @ 01:07 am
this was a facebook Meme thing. but i figured i would posted it here too cause i wasted too much time writing it and haven't posted anything in ages.

25 things memeCollapse )

coffee Dec. 22nd, 2008 @ 04:29 pm
so, anyone interested in hanging out. tonight, 6:30 hava java.

Dec. 22nd, 2008 @ 02:19 am
does anybody want to get together for coffee this week? perhaps some time tomorow (monday\today) maybe?

Dec. 17th, 2008 @ 03:28 am
Im HOME!!!

Dec. 5th, 2008 @ 07:11 pm
On the twelfth day of Christmas, black_waltz_13 sent to me...
Twelve swords drumming
Eleven vampires sketching
Ten comics a-fencing
Nine cartoons dreaming
Eight xenogears a-living
Seven cats a-painting
Six knives a-juggling
Five ci-i-i-ircus arts
Four tom waits
Three film studies
Two rainy days
...and a superman in a history.
Get your own Twelve Days:

Exciting news!! Dec. 3rd, 2008 @ 11:26 pm
YAY!!!!! I got [b]head of sound[/b] for the next main stage show! we are doing Howard Barkers Uncle Vanya. and then at the end of the year, I am sound designer for the Shakespeare show. we haven't been told what play it is yet.

this is very exciting and terrifying at the same time. I really don't have much experience with sound equipment yet. I'm getting pretty good at the editing part. I got alot of good responses for my soundscape project. I did a Film Noir city scape. However its the physical gear Im worried about. I know how to hook it up and what not, but Im still learning EQing and what not, and haven't really touched the board much yet. but it makes me happy they have confidence in me, giving me a position like that my first year.

I can't wait to come home for Christmas. I Will be home from the 16th, to the 29th. then me and Jenny are meeting in Montreal, moving in to our new apartment, and spending newyears together. exciting times ahead I can't wait to see everyone again, plus moving in with my girlfriend for the first time.

See you all soon! we are in the middle of tech week for Aurthur Miller's All My Sons. so it has been pretty busy times. I'm the Props ASM.
Current Location: National theatre School
Current Mood: excitedexcited

Sep. 15th, 2008 @ 08:26 pm
I just realized that i stoped posting here after wrighting a very depressing live journal entry. rest assured im alive and well. actualy i9m having an amaizing time. Jenny is visiting me this week and I couldn't be happier.

anyway i will keep it short for now. but i will post something a little more later on the week.

goodnight all!

if you would like to catch me before I leave Aug. 18th, 2008 @ 05:19 pm
so, Im not doing a big going away thing. I just can't handle it. but, there are people i would like to see. you know who you are, as in, if you want to see me before i go, I probobly want to see you too. so, i know it is last miniute, but I am going to head down to Hava Java around 7:00 or so, ( I will probobly be there earlier but i plan on wandering a bit, so 7 onwards will be a good time to catch me.) , just wrighting and reading. i still have alot of plays to read before school starts. so, if you want to drop by, and give me a hug, say "see ya later" or something, feel free.

however if you can't, thats ok too. IM going to start wrighting in my blog alot more, and IM going to be back christmass, so just drop me a PM, leave a comment, or catch me on msn or FaceBook some time, or even write me an e-mail or letter.

but the truth of it is, we all still exist, and we all have lives. life goes on. mine just goes on somewhere else for a while.

nerdery Aug. 8th, 2008 @ 10:48 pm
so i have a new vice. Im slightley addicted to Nintendo DS. I bought a used one of a friend of mine and im hooked. I have Final Fantasy 4, Megaman ZX advent, Advance Wars Dual Strike, and Zelda Phantom Hourglass. any Recomendations?

figured i would get myself something portable to kep me sane in the fall. as i can't really take a tv with me there is no point in bringing any of my game systems for now. i am going to be super busy, but we all need our vices.
Other entries
» PussPuss needs a home.
So, my girlfriend Jenny and I will be leaving Newfoundland in late August. As much as we would love to take her cat Pusspuss with us, most likely neither one of us can. Her family has 2 cats and a dog, and I will be moving to the middle of Montreal and most likely will not be living in a pet friendly house, and my folks have a cat that doesn�t like anyone. plus there is the long traumatic trip there that we don't want to put her through.

So Puss Puss needs a home. She's very affectionate (and full of attitude, like all cats).


If you would like to adopt her, or know somebody who would, leave a comment, or drop me an E-mail or Pm or Facebook me or something. She is a wonderful kitty, and we are really going to miss her. Knowing she will be in a good home will be a load off our minds.
» amanda, and anyone else who reads be prepared to be creeped out.
too fucking creepy. and hearing the name was even creepier.
this shook me up when someone told me about it, and when i read the story even more so. thats like down the street from Maaike and Helme, and down the road from me. i walk by there all the time.......fuck.
» out and about
I have been experimenting with this whole socializewhatchamacalliting thing, its been fun. I actually left my house yesterday and enjoyed the sun and random company. I have discovered this neat trick you can do with a cellphone, where you dial someone that you know's number, and agree to meet at a pre-disclosed location, and then they do things with you like drink coffee or eat food or just be at the same place at the same time. Weird i know, but it seems to work some how.

As much as I dreaded getting a cellphone, it has come in handy. It is nice to be able to give people a number that is yours, that they will definitely be able to reach you at, and that it will be you answering the phone. It is also nice to not have to wait around for a call.

I also got some writing done yesterday, i have given up trying to describe my dreams with some sort of linear plot line, but train of thought poetry seems to work well. i had a rather dark and intense dream the other night and i wanted to get in on paper. it was basically about the end of the world. i will post the piece that came out of it when i polish it up a bit.

so i have my first design job, well can't actually call it a job as i am not getting paid, but in the credits it will say, set designed and built by Matthew Downey. which is very exciting. it is for Anthony and Cleopatra directed by Brad Hodder, which will be taking place in harbor side park throughout the summer. I have been there a bunch of times before, but yesterday i went there to scope the place out from a design perspective, see what i could rig where without damaging things and whatnot. anyway, i am getting allot of ideas. come see the show when its done.

anyway thats all for now.
» Caithness and Cohen
I had a fantastic weekend. The Macbeth remount was a huge success. The school shows where huge. 1000 kids every mourning. Three mornings in a row. You can’t get a bigger theatre audience in Newfoundland. I played the part a little different than I did the summer, being that he was now the combination of two characters. Played him more calculating and badass, than like an energetic berserker. It was fun. He was sans mohawk this time, but I did a fun wolverine thing with my hair instead. I wish there where pictures. Anyway it was a great run.

I SAW LEONARD COHEN IN CONCERT LAST NIGHT!!!!!! it was fucking amazing. I got to see him with my dad (who raised me on Cohen) and Jenny. I think listing to Leonard Cohen sing Suzanne while arm in arm with my girlfriend was the single most romantic moment of my life. what an evening. On top of it being Leonard Cohen, the band was fantastic as well. And they seemed to love the crowed as much as we loved them. He even talked a bit about the closure of Holy Heart Theatre, and sort of dedicated If it Be Your Will to it. I have to say it was a special feeling to I know that just the night before, I stood on the same stage as Leonard Cohen, stood on the exact same spot and delivered a monologue.

There is something right about meeting her lips after an experience like that. Some joys just aren’t complete until they have been shared with lips and arms.
» (No Subject)
yay, something to tick off of my creative checklist. been talking about it for a while and now there is a proto-type. i promised to keep it semi secret, so i won't say what it is. but yay! exciting.
» (No Subject)

few events in ones life call for caps lock shouting.
this is one of them.
» Grades!
So not only do I win at school, but I got the high score and get to do the bonus level!

ANTH 3409 War, Violence, and Society 78
ANTH 4073 Studies in Underclass Life 73
ANTH 4412 Modern Cultural Theory 75
ENGL 4400 Directing 86

I am dam proud. I mean not only did I do well in all my courses[1], but this also happened to be the semester with the biggest workload I have ever had. 2 4th level anthropology seminars, and a 3rd level seminar, which not only had very long reading lists, but it was also pretty heavy material, both academically and emotionally. I mean this is look at the world completely differently with a terrified expression on your face kind of stuff I don't think I have ever been so emotionally destroyed by course material. But it definitely fueled the fire. all that on top of directing a scene and a one act play, a directors book, papers, applying to national theatre school, interviews, production treatments, building props, writing scripts, building sets, finding costumes etc.

So I am done MUN! And by bonus level I mean my internship with Wonderbolt, which technically counts as 2 courses, but I will already be graduated, and would be working there the summer anyway.

Now, just have to wait and hear back from NTS.

[1] yeah i know some people don't concider 70s high, but that is quite the acomplishment for me, and for the courses themselves. also My prof for Anth 3409 and 4412 said that while he was reading my paper he realized that i should write, be it a book, or films or theatre. and this is coming from somebody i truly admire, so i was pleased as punch.
» (No Subject)
the end of an era, ends not with a bang, but with the whrr of a printer. Matthew Downey is finished MUN.

i win at school!
even got the t-shirt.
» my show.
so the products of my directorial debut will be going off on friday! come on out to the reid theatre, the shows start at 8:00, and admission is free. mine will be the third and last of the evening (first after the intermission). I am doing an adaptaion of Dr Seuss' The Butter Battle Book.

also does anybody have a camcorder? because if possible i would love to get it taped.
» (No Subject)
may i present to you Garfield minus Garfield
» stress
I'm really stressed out today. I'm not sure why. Normally I don't get stressed, I just get tired. But today I am really stressed out. And I shouldn't be. I wrote my midterm, I got an extension on my papers, and I heard back from national theatre school. I have to write a letter about why o chose national theatre school, what I love about production, my theatre experience etc,and I have to have it submitted by THURSDAY!!! Fuck! So much at once! 2 papers, design for directing class, casting, building and directing my play, now preparing my letter to NTS, on top of lots of other big life choices, family stuff and recovering from stomach flu and not getting enough sleep.

I know I can do it all, I am just really stressed right now, More so than I have been in a while. I would ask for a hug if I wasn't afraid of giving you germs.
» (No Subject)
So that was a rather unpleasant 24 hours.

It started with me waking up at my girlfriend's house, and then proceeding to run to the bathroom and throwing up in her bathtub, and it only got worse from there. Luckily it was only one of those 24 hour virus thingies. But still, I have an exam tomorrow, and 2 papers due, and a play to work on, so this is the wrong time to get sick. I spent the last 24 hours in bed, not even eating. Watched the matrix on TV, which lead to never ending dreams about cyberpunk nuclear endgame. So many things that had to get done and that I wanted to do yesterday didn't happen. Which means I am completely behind today, on top of already being completely behind on my work.

Well, at least I don't seem to be sick anymore. That's a good thing.
» here i am again.
it is 4 am, and i sit here stairing at my un finished directors book. i am almost done, and most of it is english paper type stuff so i should be able to get through it no problem. but still i put it off. it seems i am only productive when i know i don't HAVE to do something. this is due tomorow, and i check my face book, i go thorough friends journal archives, i look up songs on youtube. WHY DO I DO THIS? do i get some kind of masochistic joy from fucking myself over? i need sleep, i could have finished this hours ago, but i can't go to sleep till its done. this was a project i could have had fun with if i started it earlier. i was going to do it last weekend, but then i got sick. but i am better now, and stil i just can't focus. i have 4 more sections to do. 3 of them are rather short, one is annoying and tedious, but helpfull. but now i have to do it because i HAVE to do it, and that makes me put it off and screw myself over......i want to go to bed, but only i am keeping me up.

im a frigging broken record when it comes to school work. i am a walking absurdist play, a human waiting for godot.
» the good the bad and the exhausting.
I am exhausted. I have been extremely productive and have been keeping up with my work since the beginning of the semester, but it has come at a cost. I haven't had time for friends, I haven't been home. I have pretty much just gone to class, then the library, and stay there till closing time which is about 11:45. My brain is crammed full of studies of social theory and ethnography. See when you are studying English, or philosophy, no matter how intense you get into it, you know it stops at the text, but with anthropology, every word I read is happening somewhere. Ever sentence is someone's life. Every process I am reading about is happening as we speak making the rich rich, and the poor dead or dying. There is no separation, this is my world, it doesn't end when I put the book down. So school this semester has exhausted me physically, emotionally, and intellectually. Every week is more readings on oppression, genocide, structuralized racism, social theory, underclass struggles, etc. Don't get me wrong, there is a bright side of anthropology, for it always carries with it that glimmer of hope, that since this is your world, you can always change the ending. There is always that glimmer of possibility, and when you are as stubborn and arrogant as I am, you can convince yourself you can do it. You have to hold onto that hope to survive. Well at least I am engaged with what I am studying. Probably a little too engaged for my own good. It wouldn't be so bad, but it is just that right now I am completely surrounded by it doing three extremely intense seminars that seem to gravitate around similar themes. And on top of this I am also directing for the first time, so all in all, I am just really tired, and I apologize for being such a hermit. I just haven't had the energy for socialization.now there's irony for you. A guy so absorbed in learning about social processes that he doesn't have time to socialize. And this is still only the beginning of the semester. I don't know how much more social theory I can cram in here.

Anyway the only thing keeping me sane is occasional short visits to Jenny's place after class which is wonderfully close to MUN. She is doing her internship at holy cross elementary, so we are doing our best to keep each other in good spirits, or at least have someone to vent too. It is wonderful at the end of a particularly exhausting day to wander over to her place and just collapse in each others arms. I have also been reading the little prince when I get particularly emotionally exhausted from my readings. It always helps.

Today I bought my first pair of glasses. two in fact. One pair is pretty standard but has the sunglasses clip on, and the other is for when I want to look sexy geek chic :P
Anyway, you will see them soon, and if you don't then try to find a way to correct that.
» 2007
Wow.......just wow. New years eve 2007. Sitting in my room letting that feeling of "look where I am now" that comes to us this time of year just engulf my senses.

2007.....thank you. Those really are the only words I can think of to describe this year. So much changed in my life. I accomplished so much, experienced so much....I am happy. I am happier and healthier (mentally and physically) then I have ever been in my life. I think the words would be I grew up. "Old soul with a young heart"

My 2007Collapse )
So to one and all. Happy Newyear. I have no resolutions, only curiosity. Lets live the hell out of 2008.
» 24 hour musical
so, i am doing tech and set construction for the 24 hour musical. if anybody is interested in checking it out, we are doing The Little Mermaid. the show is tonight (Friday) and tickets are 20$ . It is a fund raiser. 50% of the proceeds go to The Learning Disability Association, and the rest goes to a new theatre company called Act One Incorporated.

hope to see you there.
» Merry Christmas
I think this is the happiest Christmas I have had in a long time. I feel wonderful today. I have spent most of the last two days with jenny, just hanging out, watching Christmas specials, I also went to see the church choir perform her wining piece from the Amadeus Choir Carols competition. It was interesting going to church for the first time in a very long while. I think the last time I went to church was my grandmother's funeral. But I actually enjoyed it. I always love hearing Jenny Play. Her piece was amazing. So after that we have spent most of our time cuddled up, and enjoying each others company before she went home for Christmas. We gave each other our Christmas presents. We both decided to create something for each other. I did her and ink drawing with poetry on canvas of us dancing at her sisters wedding (an invented memory, but a happy one) I am very happy with the way it came out. Her gift almost brought me to tears. It was so beautiful, and so touching, and fun, and so us. She wrote me a song, and performed it for me and the smile still hasn't left my face.

I thought I was going to be bummed out after I kissed her goodbye at the airport, but actually I feel great, because I got to see her happy and excited about going home and spending Christmas with her family, and seeing her happy and excited made me happy and excited. And 10 days isn't too long. Plus I have lots of little Christmas projects to keep me busy.

So after dropping her off at the airport at 6am, I came home, and crashed for a few hours, and then got a call from my sister in the North West territories to get up and open my presents. Kind of slight alteration of a family tradition. So I dragged myself still dressed out of bed, had a cup of tea, and me mom and dad opened our gifts. I got lots of really cool new tools, plus some fun shenanigans, and I really nice new sweater and jacket. Plus I am very happy with my gifts to my folks. I did up there stockings this year, and they really liked my surprises. On top of doing up there stockings, I gave mom a hand knitted scarf (not by me) and gloves, and I gave dad the I'm Your Man DVD the Leonard Cohen Biography film.

So now I am off to eat a delicious Christmas dinner with my folks up to Janet's.

Merry Christmas everybody. I hope you all feel as good as I do.
» birthday
so anybody up for doing something tomorow? if people are still wrighting exams and stuff thats ok. if people would like to do something but arn't free tomorow i would be up for doing something later on the week. i would like to see Beowulf, being the english, Neil Gaiman and folk ballad geek that i am. also if anybody would like some one on one or small group time i would be more than happy with that as well. there are alot of poeople i would like to hang out with, just not all at once. you know me, i am not so good with big crowds.

i will update later, but for now can people let me know who would be up for doing something tomorow?
» year in review meme.
1)Where did you begin 2007?
On the steps at Janets house. It was a very personal moment. Let me quote from my journal on January 1st:
"I went out side for a second to get some fresh air, when it must have just turned midnight, and im standing there on top of the hill, on the steps in front of the house, and the snow is coming down in lovely flakes and then fire works start going up all over the city, every where I turned there was color in the sky, sparks erupting from the ground in every direction. I think I understand fireworks at new years now. I never really did before. It is like the gunshot at the beginning of a race and a 12 gun salute. It is a goodbye, but it is also a "on your mark, get set, go!" So on that realization I made my resolution.

I resolve to stop making rules for myself, to climb out of this maze I have created and walk freely through my own life. If the maze presents me with a wall, rather then walk back through my own footsteps, grab a sledge hammer and pound till I see sunshine. Find something new and make sandcastles out of the debris. I resolve to be the person I want to be, and want to be who I am.

I aim to misbehave. Anyone care to join me?"

rest of meme behind cut.
Read more...Collapse )
» Unfamilure faces
What happened to all the faces that I knew
What happened to stories I could relate to
What happened to the connection
What happened to home
Where are the men like me
When did I become the anomaly
Who said that happiness was a crime
Why do I feel old and too young at the same time
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