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August 14th, 2011 - Innocent When You Dream

About August 14th, 2011

yes im still around more or less. 03:04 am
I miss it here. i miss the live journal days. those days when you could go on emo or philosophical rants on the internet and only worry about the opinions and interpretations of few close friends or random strangers. now a days you post a sad face in your status updates and you have half the world and your extended family reading into it like you are an episode of lost.

what i miss about the live journal days was control over your own identity. I could talk about love, I could talk about sex, I could complain about my job to a few close friends, and not have to worry about my aunt\mother\ex girl friend\casual work acquaintance\girl i did 1 show with 5 years ago\grand mother in-law\10 year old cousin\professor\ reading it and wondering whats wrong. i don't even feel comfortable swearing on the thing as my little cousins can read it. yes yes yes, i know all about limited profile, but even that is its own kettle of fish.

I know i can still write here, but most of the people i would want to read it have moved on. not everyone, i know a few of you poke your head in now and then.

I have been away from home for almost 4 years now. I want to be able to open up to those people again. heck i want to be able to open up period. i have some friends here, but either I work with them, or we just don't have that kind of heart to heart relationship.

I am married, and yes i can talk to my wife, but there is only so much emotional responsibility you can put on one person, especially when you are trying to build a life together. we all need friends, no matter how open you are with each other.

most of my friends back home seem to be going through a bit of a rough patch, and there is nothing i can do about it. i can talk to them on he phone now and then, but that never seems like it is enough. i want to be able to make things better for people...im good at that sometimes. i need to help people, i want to help people, my job is to help emerging artists make their art happen as stressless as possible. if i can turn a room full of panicked actors and directors, into a calm, productive and happy tech rehearsal, why can't i help the people i love the most?

I'm bad at keeping in touch as well. I work, i sleep, I distract myself with needless things,I work some more. and when im not working, seeing as im freelance, i spend the rest of the time trying to find work. i end up sleeping in when im not pulling 14 hour work days, and miss my only chance to talk to 1 of my 3 best friends, on the other side of the world. im so disorganized i don't keep up with correspondences. i feel like the worlds worst friend. i worry im going to lose my friends for the same reason i fucked up school. im very good in person. but suck at getting my home work done on time.

anyway. im ok for the most part. it is just a lonely week. Jenny is away, teaching at a choir camp, both of my partners at the theatre are gone on vacation, and i don't have any work lined up til the 22nd. this on top of some sad news from some friends, just has me feeling a little write-a-blog-ish.

cheers from halifax,
Current Mood: lonelylonely
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